For the first time, I was all by myself for Christmas. No parents or kids, just three rotten cats who had puked all over the house and violated my apple pie. The boy was off with his dad, the girl - well, who knows where the girl was. I feel bad that I don't feel bad about her not being around, but I have to admit life has been more peaceful these last six months, especially when it seemed she was not going to try to break into the house. I even contemplate whether I can remove the chain lock on my bedroom door that would keep her from getting in if she jimmied the knob lock. I know she still frequents the neighborhood, probably still stealing metal from the abandoned naval center. I still keep the doors locked at all times and the windows locked or prevented from opening far enough to crawl in. She has no compunctions about slitting a screen, probably not for breaking a window either, but so far she has refrained.
Unlike most of humanity, I like being alone, although it was a little dull. I'm preparing to yarnbomb the library (with their permission, so it's not any kind of artistic anarchy) so I was cranking out pieces made with random unwanted yarn that will fit around various structures, and wishing I had planned ahead with Netflix to have something good to watch. I considered watching something through the computer, but they want to download a Microsoft program and I'm not sure I want or can use that on my Mac. I finished "The Age of Innocence" (book) on the Kindle and downloaded Storm Front by Jim Butcher at the boy's recommendation. Reminds me of the Laurel K. Hamilton books, both the Anita Blake and faerie series. The boy hasn't read them, so he thinks this is original. I'll bet he'd like to, once he finds out how detailed the Hamilton sex scenes are.
The ex gave the boy a huge HD TV for Christmas. I told him he's responsible for removing the old one, but boy and I both think he's not going to follow through, dick that he is. I e-mailed to ask him specifically to help with lifting the old one and the new one, so we'll see what happens. Boy returns home today, maybe I can get him to undress the tree and pack it away before he heads out with friends. I really need to get him in the car - I told him I wouldn't take him for his driver's test again until he has at least 25 hours under his belt. At 10 minutes at a time before he starts to freak out, that will take a while. Maybe summer. I could really use another driver in the house. If he's not driving that car it doesn't make sense for me to keep it any pay for insurance, especially since I'm still paying to insure the girl, but he doesn't want me to get rid of it.
I started thinking about the dollhouse again, now that it's winter and I don't have any current yarn projects that have deadlines. I'm going through the rooms and making lists of what each one needs to look more complete/realistic. The problem is getting myself to start the projects.
Nearly 2012. Time to make lists.
Dec 26, 2011
Nov 22, 2011
In a better space
Wow, a lot has happened since that last post in January. Things were even worse with the girl than I knew or expected, and there was a huge amount of drama. The last I saw of her was June 26th, when she tricked me into turning my back, stole my wallet for the second time, and ran out the door into the waiting car her junkie friend was driving. Since then, no contact, and I gradually ceased to care. This may be a bad way for a mother to look at her child, but I think I did everything I could. I bailed her out, I paid fines, I provided a car and insurance, I took her to the doctor when requested, I offered advice (never taken), I offered shelter, I moved her out of her shithole apartment when she was evicted, I provided way too much money, and I trusted far more than I should have. I lost money, jewelry, time, almost lost my auto insurance, and got nothing, absolutely nothing in return. Other than acting as host to her parasite, nothing I did mattered to her. But we're talking about a person who burned the word "HATE" into her arm in 2 inch letters and sold her brother's video games for cash to feed her habit. A person who never knew or cared what time or what day it was and no concept of "on time". A person who had total indifference to the pain she might cause someone else. A perfect sociopath.
She moved on, defriending all family members and making no effort to be in touch. At least she's not using my car to do it, although I still have to carry her on my insurance. She is 21, and I will not be responsible for her any more, her choice and mine. Although I still get reminded of things she did that made me confused or angry and have to deal with that. Specific events or instances of lying or items that I no longer have because she stole and sold them. Many, many stories, but I will not cover them now. I copied most of the e-mails about her to a Word document and it took about 65 pages to cover a few months.
I think I'm in a better head space than I was then. I no longer have two very significant sources of stress: Ex, and girl. I'm gradually redoing all the parts of the house that were not tended for a long time. Bathroom is better (although I'm not happy with the contractors and all of their work). Just finished painting walls in girl's room. I spent weeks packing up and weeding out her things - boxes and boxes of clothes, most I never saw her wear. Huge quantities of jewelry making supplies. Lots and lots of bulky yarn. I can't imagine she could have made enough money, given how few jobs she could hold onto, to pay for this, so I have to assume there was a lot of shoplifting going on. It's mostly gone now, to Goodwill, the library, neighbors and friends.
I have moved outside my comfort zone in social areas. I now teach crocheting at JoAnn's, knitting and crocheting (for free!) at the library (where I have a small circle of regulars), and how to be gluten-free for beginners. I still have the problem of not remembering anybody's name, which is kind of rude for a teacher, but I tell everybody that I have a brain deficiency in that area and they seem to accept it. I take classes at the community college, and other students seek me out to talk to me, even though my first impulse in any social situation is to isolate myself. They ignored any such signals I gave off and talk to me because they want to, which I always find surprising. I find I have a knack for teaching people who want to learn. Who knew?
I'll try to keep this up, not because anybody cares, but because sometimes I want to document things. It's good discipline and practice. More later. Now I have to clean the house before the parents come.
She moved on, defriending all family members and making no effort to be in touch. At least she's not using my car to do it, although I still have to carry her on my insurance. She is 21, and I will not be responsible for her any more, her choice and mine. Although I still get reminded of things she did that made me confused or angry and have to deal with that. Specific events or instances of lying or items that I no longer have because she stole and sold them. Many, many stories, but I will not cover them now. I copied most of the e-mails about her to a Word document and it took about 65 pages to cover a few months.
I think I'm in a better head space than I was then. I no longer have two very significant sources of stress: Ex, and girl. I'm gradually redoing all the parts of the house that were not tended for a long time. Bathroom is better (although I'm not happy with the contractors and all of their work). Just finished painting walls in girl's room. I spent weeks packing up and weeding out her things - boxes and boxes of clothes, most I never saw her wear. Huge quantities of jewelry making supplies. Lots and lots of bulky yarn. I can't imagine she could have made enough money, given how few jobs she could hold onto, to pay for this, so I have to assume there was a lot of shoplifting going on. It's mostly gone now, to Goodwill, the library, neighbors and friends.
I have moved outside my comfort zone in social areas. I now teach crocheting at JoAnn's, knitting and crocheting (for free!) at the library (where I have a small circle of regulars), and how to be gluten-free for beginners. I still have the problem of not remembering anybody's name, which is kind of rude for a teacher, but I tell everybody that I have a brain deficiency in that area and they seem to accept it. I take classes at the community college, and other students seek me out to talk to me, even though my first impulse in any social situation is to isolate myself. They ignored any such signals I gave off and talk to me because they want to, which I always find surprising. I find I have a knack for teaching people who want to learn. Who knew?
I'll try to keep this up, not because anybody cares, but because sometimes I want to document things. It's good discipline and practice. More later. Now I have to clean the house before the parents come.
Jan 1, 2011
Let's start again
Apparently it has been almost a year since I posted. Sigh. Let's try this again. If nothing else I can vent to nobody in particular.
When can I stop worrying and providing like a mom to someone who should be old enough to do it herself? It's a constant conflict - I know jobs are in short supply, but I don't think she tries hard enough. She can't wake up to an alarm clock or get herself out of bed in the morning. She doesn't have the training for anything for which a second or third shift would be an option, or even the smarts to apply for afternoon/evening jobs only. She seems headed for a life content to be on welfare and food stamps. I don't see signs of a return to drug use, but I can't rule it out for the future. She had her wallet and phone stolen last night because she can't seem to master the need to keep her valuables safe at all times, especially in the skeevy places she goes to. I was hoping for less drama this year, but I can't see that as an option. It's inconvenient and expensive to have her in my house, but she has nowhere else to go. I can't figure out how much I should contribute, help, or even care. I can't stop giving advice that isn't appreciated or wanted. This sucks and I'm frustrated. I don't want to give her ownership of the car she drives, but she has beat the crap out of it such that I could probably never sell it, and when she commits a traffic violation and they don't have an officer talk to her and get her license, the bill and violation goes to me because it's in my name, so is it time to sign it over to her and make it solely her problem?
The boy gained 30 pounds since his last doctor's visit in 2009. All overeating and inaction on his part. I'm going to try packing him lunches. He's going to try to go to kung fu as often as I can get him there, and has a P90X DVD to try (thanks, Joey). He has also agreed to try Gluten-Free January, but we'll see how far that gets. The girl is the one who appears to have a gluten reaction similar to mine, but good luck getting her to pay attention to her diet.
At least the job seems to be secure for this year, assuming I don't piss my boss off too much. I didn't realize that she can't take opposition in any way without taking it personally, so now I walk on eggshells. Still working on completing the prerequisites for the Medical Lab Tech degree at the community college just in case.
Linkin Park concert Jan. 31! Something just for me. Now if the weather can just cooperate...
When can I stop worrying and providing like a mom to someone who should be old enough to do it herself? It's a constant conflict - I know jobs are in short supply, but I don't think she tries hard enough. She can't wake up to an alarm clock or get herself out of bed in the morning. She doesn't have the training for anything for which a second or third shift would be an option, or even the smarts to apply for afternoon/evening jobs only. She seems headed for a life content to be on welfare and food stamps. I don't see signs of a return to drug use, but I can't rule it out for the future. She had her wallet and phone stolen last night because she can't seem to master the need to keep her valuables safe at all times, especially in the skeevy places she goes to. I was hoping for less drama this year, but I can't see that as an option. It's inconvenient and expensive to have her in my house, but she has nowhere else to go. I can't figure out how much I should contribute, help, or even care. I can't stop giving advice that isn't appreciated or wanted. This sucks and I'm frustrated. I don't want to give her ownership of the car she drives, but she has beat the crap out of it such that I could probably never sell it, and when she commits a traffic violation and they don't have an officer talk to her and get her license, the bill and violation goes to me because it's in my name, so is it time to sign it over to her and make it solely her problem?
The boy gained 30 pounds since his last doctor's visit in 2009. All overeating and inaction on his part. I'm going to try packing him lunches. He's going to try to go to kung fu as often as I can get him there, and has a P90X DVD to try (thanks, Joey). He has also agreed to try Gluten-Free January, but we'll see how far that gets. The girl is the one who appears to have a gluten reaction similar to mine, but good luck getting her to pay attention to her diet.
At least the job seems to be secure for this year, assuming I don't piss my boss off too much. I didn't realize that she can't take opposition in any way without taking it personally, so now I walk on eggshells. Still working on completing the prerequisites for the Medical Lab Tech degree at the community college just in case.
Linkin Park concert Jan. 31! Something just for me. Now if the weather can just cooperate...
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